I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
