Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
