I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
