Fine. I'll sleep in my office
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
