I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
