I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
