She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
