He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
