pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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