come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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