Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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