where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
