explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
