I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
