I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize