I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize