She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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