everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
