how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
