You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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