I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have feelings that need drinking.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
