onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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