One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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