I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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