Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
