At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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