WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
