Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
