You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
