There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
