I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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