Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
as a side note pls kill me
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
