I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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