i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
