i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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