How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize