Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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