I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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