I wish I could teleport
so explain again why im purple
no
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
