I faked an abortion last night.
You smell like stripper and shame
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
