Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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