Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
