it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
