I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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