Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
