There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
