Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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