I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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