I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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