If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
