I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
