i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Houston, we have a blender
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize