My liver just broke up with me...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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