If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
