Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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