my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize