Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
