My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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