its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she peed on how many people?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
