i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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