And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
