Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
